Wednesday, December 10

Sunday, November 23

November 10th 2014

This year is so fast. i can't even capture everything happened thru my brain. 

November 10th 2014. 

4 years ago, he introduced  Aaja to me. We're met at kedai mamak near to my aunt's house. she is just fine, to me. but to others, she got negative respond and i dont know why. since i knew her, she help me a lot. whenever i ask her for help, she never refuse or give any excuses. she just help me, in term of transportation or money or advises or anything. she just be herself. 

2 weeks before fasting month, she want me to accompany her to Nilai 3, surveying/buying for her wedding. when i saw her, i was shock. she looked very thin, pale and sick. because last time when we're when out she is very energetic and healthy. so  i asked her is she okay? she told me that she just tired. my heart refuse to agree with what she said. later on, i ask my brother, is she sick or something? because she look fragile. my brother told me that its been 2/3 month he did'nt meet her.  she mengidam ikan siakap steam and tomyam. i still remember her face eating that fish, excited sangat. it was the last time that we're hangout together .

then she were admitted to the general hospital KB. when i saw her at hospital, i cant help myself from crying. she looked horrible. i ask myself, is she the girl that i met 4years ago? she look thin, very thin. her leg is just 4 fingers size. she cant talk properly. she is not herself. she told me, she's in pain, she cant get married, so its your turn. you may use all the doorgift that i had bought.  i just smile to her. since then, i didnt visit her. 

one night, i called her. im begging her not to die yet.
' Ajaa, jangan mati lagi. kalau Ajaa mati nanti baby nak keluar dengan sapa. kalau baby ada problem, baby nak cari sapa. Ajaa kena kuat! baby doa Ajaa kuat. '
' sakit baby. Ajaa tak kuat. Ajaa tak tahan dah. sakit sangat'
'..... jangan mati lagi,'

monday morning,class finish earlier than usual. i just prepare myself to sleep. at 4pm, my brother texting me, 
' Ajaa tengah nazak tu,  jom balik KB. mungkin ni kali terakhir kita tengok dia '
'ok, aku packing. jumpa di putra'
tak sempat nak jumpa, dia dah pergi. i cant even ask her for forgiveness. i cant even see her face. i cant even hug her.


i feel lost.


اللهم اغفرله وارحمه وعافه واعف عنه وأكرم نُزُله. ووسع مُدخله. واغسله بالماء والثلج والبرد ، ونقه من الخطايا كما ينقى الثوب الأبيض من الدنس ، وأبدله داراً خيراً من داره ، وأهلاً خيراً من أهله وزوجاً خيراً من زوجه وأدخله الجنة وأعذه من عذاب القبر ومن عذاب النار

Ya Allah, ampunilah dia, kasihilah dia, maafkanlah dia, muliakanlah tempatnya, luaskanlah tempat masuknya, mandikanlah dia dengan air, salju dan embun. Sucikanlah dia dari segala kesalahan sebagaimana pakaian disucikan dari najis. Gantikan untuknya rumah yang lebih baik dari rumahnya, gantikan untuknya keluarga yang lebih baik dari keluarganya, gantikan untuknya isteri (pasangan) yang lebih baik dari pasangannya. Masukkanlah ke dalam surga dan lindungilah dia dari azab kubur dan azab neraka.


siti hajar binti sauud
1989-2014

Monday, October 20

mungkin kah di Syurga.

today is October 20th.

its my 42 months anniversary with Nazri. I kept thinking why i choose him over someone else. It is a ridiculous question but yes, it true. Why him? What is so special about him. We're been in a same school since form 1 until form 5, we're been in a same class for a year. we're live just in a distance, we don't have any similarity and not to confirm he is not my type! Actually, i didn't choose him, fate does. 

42 months with golden memories and silver tears. too many places, too many pictures, too many laugh and tear that we've been through. 

i still remember, the day that we both really hungry and we don't have money in our pocket or bank. but you always told me, " its ok baby. everything will be alright, trust me" and you did. at the end you will bring me some money or food. the best thing about you is, you rather let me eat and left you with empty stomach. its not about food or money, its about you always put me on top, like your first priority. 

I never regret knowing you. since we're in relationship, you never scold me, yell at me, or piss me off. I've tried many times to make you angry, jealous or even close to make hate by my action, but your patience is very high. since no man can keep me that long. but you did.

From Sepang to Batu Rakit. Long distance is not easy for me. everything is mess up. you used to help me with everything but now, i do everything alone. its very hard. even though you have a bundle of money in your pocket, but still ... money cant buy you happiness. without you here, i feel lost, i feel alone. nobody understand me like you do. nobody know me better like you do. everyday, i put mask on face, so that people wouldn't know. i know, some people said that I'm blind in love. but they never in my shoes. they never know that im here, struggle to death. living a life without you.

Nazri, thank you for supporting me. support our empire, our business. we started our business with nothing. without your help, i'm not who i am now. you are the best. the best friend I've ever had, the best boyfriend, the best of everything. im appreciate every moment that we have now and ever. 

happy 42 months anniversary, love 





Sunday, June 8

A Girl With Little Hope.

friends.
most of them are in relationship, 
some of them are married,
a few are mom-to-be,
happy but at the same time i feel jealous,
i want to be Mrs. Nazri legally,
i want to create my own story,
i want to be a wife to him,
i want to be a mother to his kids,
i want to be a daughter to his parents,
i want to be his partner forever,
i want us to be a good servant to ALLAH,
i want us to go to Jannah,
that is all i wanted,
O Allah please blessing me, him, and us,
ameen.
 

Wednesday, May 14

random.

most people think they knew me, but..... the truth is they never did. 
living in a black hole, yes, it is.

Monday, May 12

Breath Me - Sia

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Monday, April 21

Terima Kasih Allah

Assalamualaikum ya habibi,

its been a while since my last post. saya doakan agar sahabat semua sihat sejahtera. insyaallah.. saya ingin kongsikan kisah yang menarik. 

kisah I

sebelum maghrib saya menghantar sekeping mesej kepada housemate saya, supaya dia menjemput saya di KTM Nilai. Sebelum ini dia dah bersetuju untuk mengambil saya, akan tetapi housemate saya tidak reply. Saya cuba mendial nombor telefon dia. juga tidak di angkat. Saya mula risau. saya cuba bertanya kawan-kawan yang lain jika mereka kelapangan pada malam itu. Jam menunjukkan pukul 8 malam. saya bertambah risau. ' tak payah lah ke kelas esok, skip je' bisik hati yang nakal. tiada seorang pun yang dapat menjemput saya di KTM tetapi saya tekad, walaupun takut saya berdoa dan berdoa. Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosaku ini. tolonglah hambaku ini. hanya padamu aku memohon, hanya padamu aku meminta. selamatkanlah perjalananku ke rumah sewa. Saya sudah berada di Bandar Tasik Selatan dengan hati yang berdebar. Ya Allah... Ya Allah.. Ya Allah... Tiba-tiba saya terlintas untuk bertanyakan kawan saya yang duduk berhampiran dengan taman perumahan saya, dan dia boleh mengambil saya di train stesen. subhanaallah.. Ternyata Allah makbulkan doa saya itu. Ianya mungkin kecil tetapi dengan kuasa yang maha Esa, tiada siapa pun dapat menghalangnya. Sekian lama saya tidak menghubungi kawan saya itu, tetapi Dia-lah yang menggerakkan hati ini untuk bertanya. Dia jugalah yang mempermudahkan perjalanan saya dari Ampang ke Sepang. alhamdulillah, saya tiba dengan selamat. terima kasih Allah.

kisah II

Setibanya saya di rumah sewa sekitar jam 10.40 malam. Madam menghantar mesej dalam whatsapp group esok ada midterm. Setelah seharian berjalan, badan dan kaki directly proportional penat dan lenguh, kalau study confirm tak masuk otak. 'Barang-barang customer pun banyak lagi tertangguh. Esok adalah hari untuk pos barang. Kalau saya tak pos, customer bising'. Ya Allah... banyak nya kerja nak buat' saya bermonolog sendirian. lalu saya mandi dan solat isya' . selesai solat isya' , saya meng-packing barang-barang customer. Hati kecil ini risau memikirkan midterm esok. lantas saya kunci jam pukul 3.30 pagi  untuk bangun qiamulai dan bersahur. Puasa pada hari Isnin dan Khamis sudah menjadi rutin saya, sekiranya tiada aktiviti atau majlis pada hari tersebut.... Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, pagi nanti aku ada exam ya Allah. permudahkanlah aku untuk menjawab soalan-soalan tersebut. hanya padamu aku bergantung. Ya Allah, kau lembutkanlah hati lecturer aku, kau berikan kasih sayang antara aku dan lecturer aku, kasih sayang antara lecturer aku dengan aku. antara aku dan classmate aku, classmate aku dengan aku. YaAllah berikan aku ketenangan, amin.. Dalam perjalanan ke kelas, saya sempat mengulangkaji soalan yang madam bagi sebelum ini. saya tawakal, harap-harap soalan ini yang keluar. saya sempat bertanya dengan rakan saya. Dia mengulangkaji soalan yang susah. dalam hati saya, mati la aku sebab dia memberitahu saya semua orang buat latihan ni (soalan yang susah). saya bertambah panik. tiba di dalam kelas, madam bagi saya soalan. midterm ni satu jam sahaja. jari saya dah sejuk, kaki pun sama.. ya Allah... ya Allah.. tolong lah hamba mu ini.. dengan nama Allah, saya membuka kertas soalan. alangkah terkejutnya saya, soalan yang keluar itu soalan yang saya ulangkaji tadi. sebijik! ya Allah.. betapa besarnya kuasa-Mu ya Allah.. terima kasih Allah.

kisah III

kelas tamat jam 2, saya pulang bersama classmate. tiba di rumah, saya terlupa untuk pergi ke pejabat pos. ya Allah.. macamana ni, tak ada orang nak bawak aku ke sana. saya pun menghantar mesej, meminta tolong kawan-kawan untuk menghantar saya ke pejabat pos. malangnya tiada. selesai solat zohor, saya sembahyang hajat. Ya allah, terima kasih untuki pagi tadi. kau banyak menolongku. akan tetapi, aku ingin ke pejabat pos. permudahkan lah urusan aku untuk hari ini ya Allah. hanya pada-Mu aku memohon, tempat-ku bergantung. amin.. jam menunjukkan pukul 4, masih tiada khabar dari rakan saya. ya Allah.. Ya allah.. saya membuka laptop dan membuka surah Yasin. Tiba-tiba ada mesej masuk, kawan saya dari Gombak baru tiba di Sepang. Dia bertanya sama ada saya ingin ke pejebat pos ke tidak.  subhanaallah.. Allah mempermudahkan segala urusan saya.


benar lah Allah maha mendengar. Dia mempermudahkan segala urusan saya. biarpun tampak kecil tetapi besar impaknya kepada saya. walaupun saya lalai dengan suruhannya/ ajarannya/ perintahnya, tetapi Dia masih menolong saya. Ya Allah ampunilah dosaku. Ingat Allah dan Allah akan ingat kita. Berdoa kepadanya nescaya dia akan makbulkan doa-doa kita. isyaallah, dengan izin-Nya semuanya akan terjadi. 


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